i feel

depressed today. im angry at myself for being so stupid. i know, the hype for spm result has gone, but i don't think i can get over it so fast. i know i didn't study diligently, i was not as studious as those who got straight A's and straight A1's, but i know i tried my best, but i still feel sad.

they say/hinted in their conversation that if i can't get a scholarship, i might not have a chance to study the course i want to. ya, whatever, i then choose a different course then, a much cheaper course. but there they say you can't earn money from it, bla bla bla. ya, whatever, i dunno what i want to study now. bas*****.

feeling all the anger rushing through my grey matter, unconsciously, unknowingly, my eyes were filled with tears, but i held it back, a tear coursed down my cheek and no more. i shouldn't be so beaten up, i shouldn't give up so easily, but do i have a choice? i don't know and im not sure of myself. i've always wanted to be a doctor since i was a child, and till now, it never ever changed. ya know, you ask small kids what they wanna be "i want to be a fireman" few years later you ask the same question "i want to be a lawyer", it changes, because they are influenced by the environment, television programmes, and others. till i was old enough to think of the circumstances and the consequences of being a doctor, i decided to put my mind on other options, pharmacy, biotech. but i still couldn't resist the temptation of me wanting to be a doctor, and now i feel depressed. a pang of sadness and gloominess overwhelmed me today. i cannot tell why, but this is how i feel.

but there are others, who i think im better (not to brag, but this is the truth), they get and want to study to become a doctor, and me? im still considering, im still pondering away with my mind, not knowing what is the next step to take to my future. their parents have the ability and are willing to help them to realize their dreams. but do i have? i don't know. im feeling so tired that i don't want to think about it anymore.

1. the problem is about money, yeah, without money, you can't do anything.
2. is the time, becoming a doctor, it might consume up your whole life.
3. the pathway to become a doctor is not easy-peasy, and you would have to struggle very hard if you don't have an intelligent mind, which is me.
4. the pay of a doctor is low at first, and you would be really busy everyday, that is untill you specialize.
5. you need to make a lot of sacrifices.

i have the faith and trust that i could overcome from number 2 to 5, but number 1, do i have the financila aid? i know most of my friends are going overseas to continue their studies later on, but me? if im taking up medicine, it would be local, obviously, because its like one of the most expensive course. but if i go for pharmacy, the situation would be different, but am i interested in pharmacy more than medicine? i doubt it myself.

1. i want to help people, this is obvious about being a doctor, but some doctors only care about the money.
2. i want to go around the world.
3. i want to feel the satisfaction after treating a patient and knowing that he/she would be well later on.
4. i want to experience different things in my life, being a doctor, you could experience that, new cases coming in and out everyday. the challenge, the rush, i want to feel it.
5. i would make my family proud this time.
6. i know this sounds stupid, but being a doctor, money isn't everything, it isn't the 'it' factor to me that i want to become a doctor, it is about helping people, if i got the chance, i want to a volunteer. this is stupid i know.

yeah, dream on, without realizing it...