i think i have finally made up my mind. i won't bother about the 'thing' anymore. i don't think my heart is that great when i am just giving and there ain't a receiving end from the other party. sure, i would love to give more, it wouldn't hurt, would it? but sometimes when there are no feedback at all, i just feel lonely and pathetic. what in my right mind would i want to be in pain for? just for that stupid 'thing' ? it makes me feel worse thinking about it. terrible, deep down inside, an aching pain.

i know there ain't gonna be an ending. but my heart says, "go for it! it will happen one day if it is still there." but what if there isn't anything anymore, it will mean i am just a fool. i don't like to be rejected, simply because i feel like a loser. or i can't stand the feeling of being hurt again. i guess i'll have to close up my heart really tight from now on, to protect myself. i am not a rag doll. i am not someone who you can fool around for a while, and in a second, you leave me all alone. what does that even mean?

as i write this, my heart turns sour.

but i know, i will get rid of it.

time is all i need.

i will pick all my weeds and leave the flowers.